In one of my previews articles, I realised that I used the paradox of pain and self-love which to me is a painful experience allowing myself to simply be. Why is it that painful? To self-love? I read too many books and saw so many videos about self-love, and how to take care of oneself that I’m in a phase of detoxification on that. I’m tired to listen to other people, talk. But I’m curious to know more about what I say. At the end, you are the one that needs to sit, by yourself, with yourself. So today, let’s dive a little deeper into that topic.
Being by myself? What does that even mean? Being by m y s e l f? Everyone needs to do its own experience, I cannot tell it for you, but a possibility could be, feeling that sense of inner fulfilment, that sense of presence perhaps without needing anything or anyone around or beside you. Just you, here and now. Did you know that silence can make you feel alive? Did you know that it is even more important when you are sensible to any kind of noise?
It took me a while, and it still does, as I am grieving the most painful separation with myself. Grief, that’s a deep feeling right there too. Pretty heavy and dense. Very very dense. Being able to sit with grief, deep grief within you, by myself, not getting particularly anxious, not searching for any specific explanation or answer, not trying to do something, not even trying at all. Sit. And look around. Just a moment. Sit. And look around you. Do you want to jump right away? Do you grab your phone? Do you go and want to get some food?
Just sit. Don’t actively react. Feel that. Sit by yourself, with a whole mountain of feelings. It can overwhelm. But it never lasts. Our mind just thinks it will last. Because our mind is what thinks in terms of chronological time: past, present, future. If you sit by yourself, there is no even present. There is nothing and everything. Don’t even try to breathe a specific way, just sit without any object or anyone around for a while.
This is what I’ve been doing and experiencing a while ago. It’s not easy, for our minds, that are so attached to different ideals of how life should look like. Why? Because it’s the part of ourselves that lives through the limited space of security and predictability. And it is the part of ourselves that actually is able to create all kinds of reality just in one place: our brain. In that little box, yet incredibly powerful.
Relief. On the other side of painful grief, is relief. When I don’t try to actively react but rather actively sit with it. I show presence, fully presence. I am here, and I see, you grieving. Who is looking? Me, the real me. The observer in you. Didn’t you notice? Sit with it. And show your presence by diving into yourself. I don’t like the idea of rejecting my personality or ego. I think that we need ego as we need soul. I think we are constructed the way we are exactly because nature knows perfection, geometrical perfection, no matter who we are or think we are.
I am content with my ego, I am content with a lot of parts of myself. Why should I reject that? That’s not what I understand and know about “ego death” or “the dark night of the soul”. It’s the ego recognising that 99% of its intellectual constructions where based on fear and that it could actually be so much more useful. I don’t like to “insult” or criticise ego, that’s as a fact, would be rejecting being by myself. Alone. With all these parts of me. Why would I need to decide only “one thing”. I am not one thing. I am not even anything. I am multiple dimensions. I am multiple lifetimes, bringing together a new area of light.
So what’s painful is, when light starts to get into your dark spots, it’s a cracking open process. It’s like when you didn’t move your body for ages, and you forgot how useful it can be to move your body when you feel unwell. It is uncomfortable at the beginning. So a lot of things that are suppose to be good for ourselves, start with a painful beginning, the beginning of a liberation. The beginning of a realisation of what we really want and who we really want to be. A remember of who we really are and always have been. That clarity comes when you train yourself to sit by yourself and see what comes up.
Today, I notice I’m less poetic, I’m not trying too hard or too much, today there is just that part of me writing. Whatever part that is. It is that part. Simply being. Me. It is time, to get out of that box. And be you.
Thank you for this gift.
Thank you for reading me.