I wonder why I wonder so much about people and things in life. Today is an extra sad day. Those days where your mood is down and your life feels meaningless. It’s a day full of tears, and no matter what I try to do, it doesn’t stop that sadness from crying. It feels like a dark place inside me. I could say a hole but it doesn’t feel like a hole just a dark tunnel, without any light in it.
I wonder if you think of me sometimes. I wonder why you don’t tell me you miss me. I wonder why you don’t try for the sake of trying, making my ego believe that there’s still hope somewhere. Hope that I can feel your arms again around my shoulders. I wonder if I will never be able to touch you ever again. What a painful truth that is, to imagine no more being touched by that specific individual in your life. Am I too romantic? Or am I just being dramatic?
Hole… hole is like I felt before you came into my life. Whole is how it feels after. I am whole now. Now that I have met you. For past lives you were trying to reach me. I never let you. The love you hold was too much for me to bear. In this life time, we got ourselves ready, ready to meet. On a soul level. What an ironic thing to experience, that the constellations of the stars were just perfectly matched to put ourselves together and make my life change completely.
Internally. I am going through the dark night of the soul, my ego feels desperate not knowing where you go, who you spend your nights with and how you are evolving. Without me. That desperation feeds into me, it feeds itself into me until that part of me dies. What a powerful thing to live. What did you do to me? How can I explain this to me? That wholeness you brought back to me, remembering me who I was and who I came here to be.
Are you there? Somewhere near in that dark obsession of you not being here with me. I was pushed to move, I was called to prove what I can’t prove yet. It’s me, you cannot use. We made the pact on whom we’d choose, here we are discovering the truth. I don’t know who I am, I just know that I am that. Conscious. Inside my head. Please, take care of me as I took care of you, this mind is craving your existence as if it would poison without it.
Who am I? Leaving you, and now loving you? Who am I? Pointing at you, and now seeing through? Who are you? Loving me, and now ghosting me? Who are you? Craving me, and now running without guarantee? Of coming back. Back to me. Where are you right now? What did you do to me? All that I’ve known stopped making sense. All that I’ve done, started aching since.
There is no other that can get what it means to be right here. There is no you and I that can make this disappear. Burning all over my body, that bond was too much to hold, there is no ordinary way that can make us stay together. There is no platonic life that we could have cultivated altogether. We are forced to see, in us, what we couldn’t face in the other.
Your absence moves through my bones like this sadness knows. It knows just part of it as it is Ego making up to it. But I can’t calm down this aching of the astral body. The pain of what we get attached to. The fear of being delusional. Can you come and make it all real? Save me from my ego death, I’m desperately frozen on the idea of losing you. How can’t you feel? How can’t you be there right next to me, holding my fears after all these years?
I am here now, feeling whole again, I am here now struggling in between understanding and knowing. My ego is holding you, my soul can’t be right next to you, because the painful truth is that I AM YOU. What a wonderful gift of life, what a wonderful plane to fly. Today, I cannot stand the spiritual side of this, today I am just desperately craving your senses, and finding a way on how to ease into the pain of not anymore and not any longer.
No more.
There is no more. You. And us.
Thank you for this gift.
Thank you for reading me.