Depending on where your are at in your life, depending on what you are going or went through, will also depend on what you will need in these specific times of your life. I don’t have a miracle recipe, this is not equal to a deep and conventional therapy. But as a person who went through deep intergenerational, familiar and social trauma, as a ethical trustworthy certified clinical psychologist specialised in trauma, attachments, mental pathologies, intercultural aspects and sexual violence, as a future deepened analyst, a creative, sometimes one of the most controversial woman on earth, as a highly energetic yet very private person; I want to try and give you some ways on how you can experience a state of overall well-being inside yourself so that you can start and live it more with others.
It is far from enough to classify “journaling”, “moving”, “do yoga”, “meditate”, “paint”, “listen to music”, “socialise more”, when you are going or went through deep painful moments over the years, wether they are explained or not. If you are going through deep levels of anxiety, or delusional times, phobias, dissociations, or even a separation, or “just” a transitional phase of your life, like moving out, changing school, ending university, etc., if you are an introverted person (which by the way is most of the time very much misunderstood) know that :
nothing that makes you feel at pain is never only “just that” and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise;
once you get that, you are recognising yourself and your feelings which is a fundamental step to begin with. And than, yes, it is your place to take responsibility and find ways on how to navigate through that, because no one will do it for you;
bring yourself to that better place, I promise there is a better place, in you! Become the building you never had and create it with the most upgraded quality you’ll reach!
As painful as it can be. You deserve to feel good in this lifetime and one of the ways is to create more moments of quietness and silence.
Step 1: Create safety. Structure your day(s) especially if you think you don’t need it.
Safety, as absurd as it seems, is the number one step so that some day you can feel comfortable in moments of silence and quietness. Safety can be for example related to structuring your day, with rituals, habits that make you feel orientated, present, in the here and now. I will go with the structuring thing. But I also want to point out, that if you find yourself in a dangerous situation, know that safety is always, always step number ONE.
Structure your day even if you think you are “only” a spontaneous type of person, or that you tell yourself “I can only live if I don’t know how my life will unfold”.
Starting with the morning and the following question:
How does mornings feel to me?
Depending on how they feel (be as honest as you can), you’ll then know what to adjust, change, or perhaps even start something completely different. The goal is : feeling safe and grounded and taking one little step at a time.
Even if it means “doing” stuff or if that sense of safety comes with material things at first. Do it. That’s okay, for this moment, and every moment, if it is to make you feel safe in this world.
Structure your day, as a newborn and child would need it. Treat yourself as that child by being the responsible adult that you are. Use your sense of concern and your abilities that your parents or caretakers never had.
Structure your morning, but also noons and evenings asking yourself how each of them make you feel and write down specific times that represent mornings, noons and evenings.
Secondly, explore the activities/habits that you already have to then focus on bringing more activities that bring you a sense of safety. Give yourself a little bit of space to try and explore and then decide. Decide what rituals do you need most, and commit to them for at least three to four months (six is ideal).
If there is an activity, or something that brings up frustration, something that at first was very relaxing and comfortable to you, I tell you, stop doing it, and find something smoother instead. Allow yourself to go with your own flow.
Step 2: Self-parent yourself. Read about what newborns and children need and give it to yourself as much as you need.
Treating yourself as the child that is in pain within you, is nothing else then, giving yourself credit for what you went or are going through in the moment or in the past. It doesn’t mean to self-pity, and project your fears into others or dragging yourself down by staying in bed, overindulging, self-harming and believing that there is no way out.
But even that, sometimes, has to be gone through. And even that, I want to say: is OK.
Read books on how to take care of a child, a newborn, what they need, how dependant they are and how you can do the work of self-parenting. This step, I was imagining it to complement the first one if you don’t know where to start, or what structuring days mean. Yes, because sometimes we don’t know. I didn’t. I had some of it. But also, there was a lot of missing spots, that I started to fill when I took the courage, to read books about parenting even if I hadn’t real children around me but my own inner child.
Remember, this is an opportunity for you, to heal, to overcome what is not serving you and to open up to peace in your life.
Take this step to help you gain clarity on step one. To educate yourself more, so that you mobilise your resources that are in you. Sometimes, in pain, or stress we forget what we are good at or even what really brings a deep sense of joy and relaxation. Therefor, reading and educating yourself again, can help a lot.
Structuring and educating yourself through books are already alternatives to get more in touch with silence and the quietness of the life that is inside you. We just get caught up in our thoughts in a way that we forget about who we actually are, and the essentials of life.
Step 3: Discern the essentials. What is it that you value?
As you go through the structuring or restructuring of your days, and start to gain momentum, find your bed and wake-up times, lunch breaks, etc., and fill them with personal activities, bringing you a sense of peace. This will allow you to start the self-reflecting process about the essentials of your life.
The following question would symbolise it such as:
What is important to me?
What is of value to me?
If you find yourself having difficulties to answer this question, you can start by projecting it into the outside world and by identifying a person or an object that you like and answer the question :
Why do I like that person/object?
What do I like/appreciate about that person/object?
Mostly, you will answer by appearance, but then it can lead you to a deeper reflection, by asking the following:
How does this person/object make me feel?
That’s actually the spot you will need to go to, because not only will you discover that you like things about people and objects that make you feel good, but also that make you feel very bad about yourself. One step at a time.
Then try to discern and write 5 to 10 things that seem essential to you. Revisit that list during three to four months and adjust.
All the steps are starting points, they are very practical and simple, they go back to the basics of life first, because that’s where it all starts if you want long term changes. No fast way, no shortcuts, just the days as they unfold with you getting in touch back to yourself.
Finally, and I wasn’t about to write down more, but my intuition got in the way and wants me to tell you that a forth step would be: you don’t have to tell it to anyone in order for it to work. Be discreet if you feel like it, and just tell it to people you feel comfortable enough with. Each way is okay as long as it is your own.
Start now, even if it means just thinking about it. Reflect upon it and notice. That alone, is very closely linked to silence and quietness and opens you up to the possibility of taking new choices.
Thank you for this gift.
Thank you for reading me.